[He smiled hesitantly, a worried furrow in his brow. The confession of mutual feelings last night now seemed like a grain of sand in the face of the mountain they still needed to climb.
[There was something in Lighter's eyes. A slight narrowing at the edges that usually came with a soft smile. He couldn't bring himself to commit to it even though he was next to Maxima. Especially when he went on to say that.]
I can't really blame you for thinking that.
[...]
I'm sorry. For leaving the way I did. For not telling you and not being in contact. Worrying you. For...
[He shook his head. He could list everything he did wrong off here and it wouldn't excuse it.]
I had my reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt you. [To say nothing of the others of New Eridu and Rika.]
[He ran his fingertips through the fringe of his lover's hair, staring into his eyes.]
Everyone's been worried about you.
[...But, over the past month or two he'd been called out more and more on his tendency to deflect, and that lesson was finally starting to sink in. He amended the statement:]
I was afraid I would never see you again. That I'd driven you away. ...Even if you'd run for other reasons...it hurt to think that I could be so easily cast aside.
[Everyone has been... of course they have. Even if they weren't worried, they were rightfully angry with him. He made so many promises. To Harumasa, to Mockingbird...
to Belle.
Only for a moment of fear to completely cloud his judgment.
Part of him was glad, though. That Maxima admitted that he, personally, was upset and scared. That Maxima thought he had done something wrong or thought Lighter would just throw it all away like that. It made his response come out so abruptly it was borderline defensive.]
No... Masi, no that's not... [The nickname slipped out. And Lighter was aware of it this time. But he would roll with it for now and ask in a moment if the man even wanted to be called that. Nevertheless, a weak hand came to his cheek.]
It wasn't you. You didn't do anything that'd make me want to throw you to the wind. I...
[His feeling for Maxima were a factor of sorts. But it was nothing Maxima himself did, or anyone else. He dropped his hand, pausing to try and find the right words.]
I told you, right? About what happened to my parents when I was a kid?
[He's going somewhere with this, but he had to be reminded of what Maxima knew.]
[The impact of the nickname was immediately visible in the way his eyes widened slightly, his cheeks flushed, the way he leaned into Lighter's hand on his face without hesitation. No one had given him a nickname like that since he was young.
He hadn't allowed himself to be close enough to people for nicknames in far too long.
But hearing the reassurance did settle something down inside him, as did the promise of some kind of explanation for why Lighter had run so abruptly. He nodded, listening solemnly.]
You mentioned they were killed in some sort of violent confrontation, and that you'd been raised as a foster child afterward.
[Not that he entirely understood what the latter part of that implied, in this world.]
[He's remembering now. And hesitating because of it. Lighter was laid back by nature but also incredibly closed off. Not necessarily setting himself on a pedestal like "the champion" but nevertheless keeping himself at a distance from others. He's kept that up and... it led him to run.
It led him to run and everyone to worry about him.
It led him to breaking the heart of someone who he didn't want to deny.
There was a lot of penance to pay for what Lighter did. A long line of people who had every right to punch him in the face. Opening up to Maxima is the least he can do, even if it was still hard.]
The way that worked for me is... you set orphans up in child care centers, usually ones that don't have enough hands or cash for as many kids that are there. Some people sign on as foster parents to take in one or more kids from those centers to take care of. Maybe get adopted down the line if you're lucky.
I wasn't.
[He's tense, and there's a bitterness at the edge of his tone.]
I got moved around a lot between families. It seems I was too much of a troublemaker for a lot of the parents to handle. Rika's mom didn't wanna take me in either. So all I had was one family for maybe a year or two before they sent me off. I couldn't even stay with the ones I liked. Something made it so I had to go to another family. Then another... over and over again until I aged out of the system at 18.
[...]
I was the only consistent thread. It had to be something I was doing to screw up any long term stay.
I thought I would screw it up again, but I know I like it here. It was a lot going on in my head, so I skipped town after the job was done to try and get my head on straight.
[A new family every year or two. Rejected over and over, all through his childhood. Pushed away, found fault with, again and again, losing hope year by year of ever being settled. Ever being welcomed. Because a traumatized child, one made more difficult by those repeated rejections, had been too much for any of the people who had been available.
A little spark of anger kindled in Maxima's chest for those people. Why volunteer to tend to orphans if you aren't prepared for difficult children? How could all of them have failed to see what they had?
It didn't matter now. Those people were out of reach, the damage was done, and now it was just himself and his Lorenzo, finding their way forward. He ran his hand through Lighter's hair soothingly, nodding his understanding.]
I can't imagine how it must have felt...how difficult that must have been, never to have a stable home as a child. And so you've kept moving all this time?
[He was a good way beyond eighteen now, after all. Had he really found nowhere to settle in the years since?]
[One of many reasons Lighter disliked sharing these things was he hated people pitying him. It so often came from a place of insincerity and he had his pride as well. But he knew it came from a place of genuine concern here. He believed that and trusted that. He wouldn't put up a fuss.
Without thinking he leaned into the touch of his hair, and continued.
As much as he felt comfortable with anyway.]
Pretty much. Spent time on the streets until I could get a grant. I was in college for a little while, made some friends but dropped out. I had people I... worked for a while, but had to... move on. [His old group Kinich had brought him to. That are all dead or missing. Because of him. The thought of talking about that made him feel physically sick. He still wasn't ready to re-open that wound. He's being raw enough as it is...]
... Ended up in the ring for a long time. Then I made contact with Hua Cheng in Ghost City. Since then I've been in and out of Kaisou the past few years, living on a month to month lease.
[Hence why he'd never fully unpacked his boxes. He's never known stability.]
[Maxima could tell there was something else there. He'd seen the scars from "the ring" himself, both physical and mental, and that alone said that there was more to discuss. But...he could also tell how difficult even this much was. Had Lorenzo ever told anyone all these things in order? How long had he been living on his own, carrying this history and only parceling out fragments of it when absolutely necessary?
He swallowed and braced himself for the next answer, unsure if he would like it.]
...Then...what do you mean to do now?
[His voice was soft, almost pleading. If Lighter still couldn't bring himself to stay, then it would be difficult to have the relationship he wanted.]
[...That was a good question, wasn't it? What did he mean to do now?
He's silent for a moment, long enough to stir anxiety. But it wasn't that Lighter would hand Maxima a rejection. He's broken the man's heart enough.
It was that he needed to set things in order.
His tone was just as soft, but there was a resolve in it that could rouse a brutal, jeering crowd into a standing ovation after a while.]
I made promises to people, Masi. People who trusted me. And I broke that trust by leaving. It's not something I expect anyone to forgive me for. I wouldn't deserve it if they did right away.
[...]
So, I have to earn it. Build it all over again. Keep the promises that I swore to fulfill. I won't run away from that responsibility I have again. I won't run away when people that trusted me tell me I've got a place I belong now. It might take a few months. Maybe a few years.
So, I'll stay. Until I make up for it. And when I do.
... I'll still stay. My family's here. You're here. [Said while running a hand of his own through Maxima's hair, petting at his canine ears.]
I know it's going against what we agreed on, but if you're willing to give me another chance to prove myself... maybe we can... be a little more.
[For a moment, he was more afraid. But the longer he listened, the more that fear turned to relief.
He was staying. He wanted to come home. To be with his family.
To commit to a relationship.
Maxima abruptly found that his throat had closed around all his words, so he just nodded eagerly, and then, deciding that wasn't really clear enough, leaned in for a lingering kiss. When he finally pulled away, his voice had returned just enough to answer, soft as a secret.]
I love you. My dearest Lorenzo. [Blinking made the moisture welled up in his eyes spill over, and he ignored the damp trails the droplets left behind.] I won't give up on you when I've only just realized what I have.
[Lighter returned the kiss, letting himself do so without expecting it to go anywhere. Just kissing Maxima softly for the sake of it. There was a heat welling in him from the Spirit Vein, but it didn't burn into a blaze with this. Just warmed like a nice little campfire. A hearth.
When tears started falling down Maxima's face, Lighter brushed them away with his thumb.]
Don't you start crying now, you're gonna make me want to...
[It's said with glowing affection and a hint of bashfulness of all things. A light blush appeared on his face and had his hands not been holding Maxima, Lighter would have habitually moved to hide behind sunglasses he didn't have on.]
I love you too...
[Fuck... fuck that felt so good to say.]
I know you didn't have to give me another chance, but I'm glad you are.
[A deep breath got his emotions a little more under control. Some part of him knew he had the right to still be hurt, angry, but the relief he felt that this relationship wasn't over before it could begin far outweighed anything else right now.]
I want to try. I've wanted this too badly...for longer than I could bring myself to admit.
[The hand in Lighter's hair moved down to cup his face again, and Maxima's brow furrowed, staring pleadingly into his eyes.]
...But I need more than just for you to be at my side. Even before you left...I could feel you pulling away. It's why I was afraid that I was the cause, that you'd left because you realized how I felt. ...If we're going to try to make a...a relationship work, then I want to know when you're hurting, and why.
[Right... something deeper than just friends with benefits would require more work. Hell, being close friends with Maxima before this needed the same level of work. It wasn't fair that Lighter asked him to lay his cards out without doing the same.
Even though god knows Maxima still needed to admit to his personal feelings on matters more. Uphill battles and all that.
He felt the weight of that gaze on him. That pleading. This was important, the most important aspect of this second chance. He nodded.]
I won't lie to you and say I'll be perfect at it. Old habits die hard... but if you see me trying to avoid something when I'm feeling down, I might need you to remind me to cough it up.
[Because of course Lighter was right, Maxima still wasn't exactly the most forthcoming about his own emotions. He'd spent too many years reflexively hiding and repressing everything to be able to just unveil them now at the drop of a hat.
They'd both need time, and patience, but the work would be easier done together.]
And of course I'll offer the same. I'm trying to be more aware of when I'm avoiding something, but I still don't always notice. ...I'll rely on you to tell me.
[...Oh. Hm. He's suddenly very aware that he's called Maxima this a few times. And now he's looking at the wall wow what a nice wall it doesn't even have the paint chipping off of it like that one from last week's Motel did.]
Is it, uh... okay to call you that? I don't wanna go assuming things...
[Wow, what color of wall paint is that surely the white women have some weird color name for it and oop he's being moved to look back at Maxima and not the wall. He is blushing a lot now. He feels very, very warm inside at being able to use a nickname and not worrying about Implications.
And even more at the one that he's being given.]
Y-Yeah! Yeah... I... yeah, I'd uh... [...clearing his throat. Maxima has seen Lighter's bouts of shyness before but he could brush them off easier then. Now they both know there are feelings here and he can't run or brush and it's a very, very different look.
Still, he nodded. They were Very preoccupied at the time but... Zosha. His Zosha. It was nice. It sounded nice to his ears. Sounded nice from that voice.]
[Maxima was so deeply, foolishly in love with this man, and now that Lorenzo was here truly in his arms, he wanted nothing else but to throw all caution to the wind and indulge in that emotion. He'd felt this way before, when Lighter was being particularly cute, but he'd always tried to push it aside and deny it, tell himself they were just friends.
Now he was finally free to bask in these emotions without regret or hesitation, and nothing could be sweeter.]
...Let's stay here a bit longer. [He leaned his forehead against Lighter's, letting the other's hair brush lightly against his third eye.] We'll have plenty of talking and explaining to do once we get back to the Fortress, but for now...
... Yeah. I might need to borrow your phone later, but.
[Lighter leaned in closer for a sweet, chaste kiss. He pulled away just enough to speak with their foreheads still touching. He knew he had a lot of explaining to do, a lot of work to do, a lot of discussion.]
But that's for later... right now we can stay like this.
[In each other's arms, not worried about feelings they're concealing. Just together. Just Lorenzo and Maxima.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He smiled hesitantly, a worried furrow in his brow. The confession of mutual feelings last night now seemed like a grain of sand in the face of the mountain they still needed to climb.
How to even begin?]
...I half feared you'd be gone again when I woke.
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I can't really blame you for thinking that.
[...]
I'm sorry. For leaving the way I did. For not telling you and not being in contact. Worrying you. For...
[He shook his head. He could list everything he did wrong off here and it wouldn't excuse it.]
I had my reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt you. [To say nothing of the others of New Eridu and Rika.]
no subject
Everyone's been worried about you.
[...But, over the past month or two he'd been called out more and more on his tendency to deflect, and that lesson was finally starting to sink in. He amended the statement:]
I was afraid I would never see you again. That I'd driven you away. ...Even if you'd run for other reasons...it hurt to think that I could be so easily cast aside.
no subject
[Everyone has been... of course they have. Even if they weren't worried, they were rightfully angry with him. He made so many promises. To Harumasa, to Mockingbird...
to Belle.
Only for a moment of fear to completely cloud his judgment.
Part of him was glad, though. That Maxima admitted that he, personally, was upset and scared. That Maxima thought he had done something wrong or thought Lighter would just throw it all away like that. It made his response come out so abruptly it was borderline defensive.]
No... Masi, no that's not... [The nickname slipped out. And Lighter was aware of it this time. But he would roll with it for now and ask in a moment if the man even wanted to be called that. Nevertheless, a weak hand came to his cheek.]
It wasn't you. You didn't do anything that'd make me want to throw you to the wind. I...
[His feeling for Maxima were a factor of sorts. But it was nothing Maxima himself did, or anyone else. He dropped his hand, pausing to try and find the right words.]
I told you, right? About what happened to my parents when I was a kid?
[He's going somewhere with this, but he had to be reminded of what Maxima knew.]
no subject
He hadn't allowed himself to be close enough to people for nicknames in far too long.
But hearing the reassurance did settle something down inside him, as did the promise of some kind of explanation for why Lighter had run so abruptly. He nodded, listening solemnly.]
You mentioned they were killed in some sort of violent confrontation, and that you'd been raised as a foster child afterward.
[Not that he entirely understood what the latter part of that implied, in this world.]
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[He's remembering now. And hesitating because of it. Lighter was laid back by nature but also incredibly closed off. Not necessarily setting himself on a pedestal like "the champion" but nevertheless keeping himself at a distance from others. He's kept that up and... it led him to run.
It led him to run and everyone to worry about him.
It led him to breaking the heart of someone who he didn't want to deny.
There was a lot of penance to pay for what Lighter did. A long line of people who had every right to punch him in the face. Opening up to Maxima is the least he can do, even if it was still hard.]
The way that worked for me is... you set orphans up in child care centers, usually ones that don't have enough hands or cash for as many kids that are there. Some people sign on as foster parents to take in one or more kids from those centers to take care of. Maybe get adopted down the line if you're lucky.
I wasn't.
[He's tense, and there's a bitterness at the edge of his tone.]
I got moved around a lot between families. It seems I was too much of a troublemaker for a lot of the parents to handle. Rika's mom didn't wanna take me in either. So all I had was one family for maybe a year or two before they sent me off. I couldn't even stay with the ones I liked. Something made it so I had to go to another family. Then another... over and over again until I aged out of the system at 18.
[...]
I was the only consistent thread. It had to be something I was doing to screw up any long term stay.
I thought I would screw it up again, but I know I like it here. It was a lot going on in my head, so I skipped town after the job was done to try and get my head on straight.
no subject
A little spark of anger kindled in Maxima's chest for those people. Why volunteer to tend to orphans if you aren't prepared for difficult children? How could all of them have failed to see what they had?
It didn't matter now. Those people were out of reach, the damage was done, and now it was just himself and his Lorenzo, finding their way forward. He ran his hand through Lighter's hair soothingly, nodding his understanding.]
I can't imagine how it must have felt...how difficult that must have been, never to have a stable home as a child. And so you've kept moving all this time?
[He was a good way beyond eighteen now, after all. Had he really found nowhere to settle in the years since?]
no subject
Without thinking he leaned into the touch of his hair, and continued.
As much as he felt comfortable with anyway.]
Pretty much. Spent time on the streets until I could get a grant. I was in college for a little while, made some friends but dropped out. I had people I... worked for a while, but had to... move on. [His old group Kinich had brought him to. That are all dead or missing. Because of him. The thought of talking about that made him feel physically sick. He still wasn't ready to re-open that wound. He's being raw enough as it is...]
... Ended up in the ring for a long time. Then I made contact with Hua Cheng in Ghost City. Since then I've been in and out of Kaisou the past few years, living on a month to month lease.
[Hence why he'd never fully unpacked his boxes. He's never known stability.]
no subject
He swallowed and braced himself for the next answer, unsure if he would like it.]
...Then...what do you mean to do now?
[His voice was soft, almost pleading. If Lighter still couldn't bring himself to stay, then it would be difficult to have the relationship he wanted.]
no subject
He's silent for a moment, long enough to stir anxiety. But it wasn't that Lighter would hand Maxima a rejection. He's broken the man's heart enough.
It was that he needed to set things in order.
His tone was just as soft, but there was a resolve in it that could rouse a brutal, jeering crowd into a standing ovation after a while.]
I made promises to people, Masi. People who trusted me. And I broke that trust by leaving. It's not something I expect anyone to forgive me for. I wouldn't deserve it if they did right away.
[...]
So, I have to earn it. Build it all over again. Keep the promises that I swore to fulfill. I won't run away from that responsibility I have again. I won't run away when people that trusted me tell me I've got a place I belong now. It might take a few months. Maybe a few years.
So, I'll stay. Until I make up for it. And when I do.
... I'll still stay. My family's here. You're here. [Said while running a hand of his own through Maxima's hair, petting at his canine ears.]
I know it's going against what we agreed on, but if you're willing to give me another chance to prove myself... maybe we can... be a little more.
no subject
He was staying. He wanted to come home. To be with his family.
To commit to a relationship.
Maxima abruptly found that his throat had closed around all his words, so he just nodded eagerly, and then, deciding that wasn't really clear enough, leaned in for a lingering kiss. When he finally pulled away, his voice had returned just enough to answer, soft as a secret.]
I love you. My dearest Lorenzo. [Blinking made the moisture welled up in his eyes spill over, and he ignored the damp trails the droplets left behind.] I won't give up on you when I've only just realized what I have.
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When tears started falling down Maxima's face, Lighter brushed them away with his thumb.]
Don't you start crying now, you're gonna make me want to...
[It's said with glowing affection and a hint of bashfulness of all things. A light blush appeared on his face and had his hands not been holding Maxima, Lighter would have habitually moved to hide behind sunglasses he didn't have on.]
I love you too...
[Fuck... fuck that felt so good to say.]
I know you didn't have to give me another chance, but I'm glad you are.
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I want to try. I've wanted this too badly...for longer than I could bring myself to admit.
[The hand in Lighter's hair moved down to cup his face again, and Maxima's brow furrowed, staring pleadingly into his eyes.]
...But I need more than just for you to be at my side. Even before you left...I could feel you pulling away. It's why I was afraid that I was the cause, that you'd left because you realized how I felt. ...If we're going to try to make a...a relationship work, then I want to know when you're hurting, and why.
no subject
Even though god knows Maxima still needed to admit to his personal feelings on matters more. Uphill battles and all that.
He felt the weight of that gaze on him. That pleading. This was important, the most important aspect of this second chance. He nodded.]
I won't lie to you and say I'll be perfect at it. Old habits die hard... but if you see me trying to avoid something when I'm feeling down, I might need you to remind me to cough it up.
That doesn't mean I won't try on my own too.
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[Because of course Lighter was right, Maxima still wasn't exactly the most forthcoming about his own emotions. He'd spent too many years reflexively hiding and repressing everything to be able to just unveil them now at the drop of a hat.
They'd both need time, and patience, but the work would be easier done together.]
And of course I'll offer the same. I'm trying to be more aware of when I'm avoiding something, but I still don't always notice. ...I'll rely on you to tell me.
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[...Oh. Hm. He's suddenly very aware that he's called Maxima this a few times. And now he's looking at the wall wow what a nice wall it doesn't even have the paint chipping off of it like that one from last week's Motel did.]
Is it, uh... okay to call you that? I don't wanna go assuming things...
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...Please do. It's been...I haven't been close enough to people for anyone to call me a name like that in a very long time. ...It's nice.
[And then he's blushing a little too.]
And...will you be my Zosha? You didn't seem to mind before, but...
[They had been a bit preoccupied.]
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And even more at the one that he's being given.]
Y-Yeah! Yeah... I... yeah, I'd uh... [...clearing his throat. Maxima has seen Lighter's bouts of shyness before but he could brush them off easier then. Now they both know there are feelings here and he can't run or brush and it's a very, very different look.
Still, he nodded. They were Very preoccupied at the time but... Zosha. His Zosha. It was nice. It sounded nice to his ears. Sounded nice from that voice.]
Yeah, I... I will. I'd like that...
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Now he was finally free to bask in these emotions without regret or hesitation, and nothing could be sweeter.]
...Let's stay here a bit longer. [He leaned his forehead against Lighter's, letting the other's hair brush lightly against his third eye.] We'll have plenty of talking and explaining to do once we get back to the Fortress, but for now...
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[Lighter leaned in closer for a sweet, chaste kiss. He pulled away just enough to speak with their foreheads still touching. He knew he had a lot of explaining to do, a lot of work to do, a lot of discussion.]
But that's for later... right now we can stay like this.
[In each other's arms, not worried about feelings they're concealing. Just together. Just Lorenzo and Maxima.]