[It was a nice, familiar ache. An ache nevertheless, though, as the early morning light filtered in through the Motel. Lorenzo's eyes were still closed, shut tight to keep the sun from getting into his eyes. It was a habit he had yet to break from his time as a drifter.
He was only half awake, trying to remember where he was, what happened...
who he was next to.
But breathing in deep was an immediate reminder that he was with someone he missed over these three weeks. Someone he wanted to see again. One of many.
It's just this person in particular, the person the werewolf in his mind called mate, was the one he, well, really wanted to see. It's the brushing fingers against his stinging neck that roused Lorenzo awake. Enough to open his eyes. To see Maxima cuddled next to him. He felt fire under his skin again. A flush on his face forming.
Above all, though, as the waking world slowly filtered back... there was guilt. When he spoke it was groggy, husky, but there was a softness to it. The kind only found when knowing you really fucked up and you have no right to be combative.]
[He smiled hesitantly, a worried furrow in his brow. The confession of mutual feelings last night now seemed like a grain of sand in the face of the mountain they still needed to climb.
[There was something in Lighter's eyes. A slight narrowing at the edges that usually came with a soft smile. He couldn't bring himself to commit to it even though he was next to Maxima. Especially when he went on to say that.]
I can't really blame you for thinking that.
[...]
I'm sorry. For leaving the way I did. For not telling you and not being in contact. Worrying you. For...
[He shook his head. He could list everything he did wrong off here and it wouldn't excuse it.]
I had my reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt you. [To say nothing of the others of New Eridu and Rika.]
[He ran his fingertips through the fringe of his lover's hair, staring into his eyes.]
Everyone's been worried about you.
[...But, over the past month or two he'd been called out more and more on his tendency to deflect, and that lesson was finally starting to sink in. He amended the statement:]
I was afraid I would never see you again. That I'd driven you away. ...Even if you'd run for other reasons...it hurt to think that I could be so easily cast aside.
[Everyone has been... of course they have. Even if they weren't worried, they were rightfully angry with him. He made so many promises. To Harumasa, to Mockingbird...
to Belle.
Only for a moment of fear to completely cloud his judgment.
Part of him was glad, though. That Maxima admitted that he, personally, was upset and scared. That Maxima thought he had done something wrong or thought Lighter would just throw it all away like that. It made his response come out so abruptly it was borderline defensive.]
No... Masi, no that's not... [The nickname slipped out. And Lighter was aware of it this time. But he would roll with it for now and ask in a moment if the man even wanted to be called that. Nevertheless, a weak hand came to his cheek.]
It wasn't you. You didn't do anything that'd make me want to throw you to the wind. I...
[His feeling for Maxima were a factor of sorts. But it was nothing Maxima himself did, or anyone else. He dropped his hand, pausing to try and find the right words.]
I told you, right? About what happened to my parents when I was a kid?
[He's going somewhere with this, but he had to be reminded of what Maxima knew.]
[The impact of the nickname was immediately visible in the way his eyes widened slightly, his cheeks flushed, the way he leaned into Lighter's hand on his face without hesitation. No one had given him a nickname like that since he was young.
He hadn't allowed himself to be close enough to people for nicknames in far too long.
But hearing the reassurance did settle something down inside him, as did the promise of some kind of explanation for why Lighter had run so abruptly. He nodded, listening solemnly.]
You mentioned they were killed in some sort of violent confrontation, and that you'd been raised as a foster child afterward.
[Not that he entirely understood what the latter part of that implied, in this world.]
[He's remembering now. And hesitating because of it. Lighter was laid back by nature but also incredibly closed off. Not necessarily setting himself on a pedestal like "the champion" but nevertheless keeping himself at a distance from others. He's kept that up and... it led him to run.
It led him to run and everyone to worry about him.
It led him to breaking the heart of someone who he didn't want to deny.
There was a lot of penance to pay for what Lighter did. A long line of people who had every right to punch him in the face. Opening up to Maxima is the least he can do, even if it was still hard.]
The way that worked for me is... you set orphans up in child care centers, usually ones that don't have enough hands or cash for as many kids that are there. Some people sign on as foster parents to take in one or more kids from those centers to take care of. Maybe get adopted down the line if you're lucky.
I wasn't.
[He's tense, and there's a bitterness at the edge of his tone.]
I got moved around a lot between families. It seems I was too much of a troublemaker for a lot of the parents to handle. Rika's mom didn't wanna take me in either. So all I had was one family for maybe a year or two before they sent me off. I couldn't even stay with the ones I liked. Something made it so I had to go to another family. Then another... over and over again until I aged out of the system at 18.
[...]
I was the only consistent thread. It had to be something I was doing to screw up any long term stay.
I thought I would screw it up again, but I know I like it here. It was a lot going on in my head, so I skipped town after the job was done to try and get my head on straight.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He was only half awake, trying to remember where he was, what happened...
who he was next to.
But breathing in deep was an immediate reminder that he was with someone he missed over these three weeks. Someone he wanted to see again. One of many.
It's just this person in particular, the person the werewolf in his mind called mate, was the one he, well, really wanted to see. It's the brushing fingers against his stinging neck that roused Lorenzo awake. Enough to open his eyes. To see Maxima cuddled next to him. He felt fire under his skin again. A flush on his face forming.
Above all, though, as the waking world slowly filtered back... there was guilt. When he spoke it was groggy, husky, but there was a softness to it. The kind only found when knowing you really fucked up and you have no right to be combative.]
... Hey.
no subject
[He smiled hesitantly, a worried furrow in his brow. The confession of mutual feelings last night now seemed like a grain of sand in the face of the mountain they still needed to climb.
How to even begin?]
...I half feared you'd be gone again when I woke.
no subject
I can't really blame you for thinking that.
[...]
I'm sorry. For leaving the way I did. For not telling you and not being in contact. Worrying you. For...
[He shook his head. He could list everything he did wrong off here and it wouldn't excuse it.]
I had my reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt you. [To say nothing of the others of New Eridu and Rika.]
no subject
Everyone's been worried about you.
[...But, over the past month or two he'd been called out more and more on his tendency to deflect, and that lesson was finally starting to sink in. He amended the statement:]
I was afraid I would never see you again. That I'd driven you away. ...Even if you'd run for other reasons...it hurt to think that I could be so easily cast aside.
no subject
[Everyone has been... of course they have. Even if they weren't worried, they were rightfully angry with him. He made so many promises. To Harumasa, to Mockingbird...
to Belle.
Only for a moment of fear to completely cloud his judgment.
Part of him was glad, though. That Maxima admitted that he, personally, was upset and scared. That Maxima thought he had done something wrong or thought Lighter would just throw it all away like that. It made his response come out so abruptly it was borderline defensive.]
No... Masi, no that's not... [The nickname slipped out. And Lighter was aware of it this time. But he would roll with it for now and ask in a moment if the man even wanted to be called that. Nevertheless, a weak hand came to his cheek.]
It wasn't you. You didn't do anything that'd make me want to throw you to the wind. I...
[His feeling for Maxima were a factor of sorts. But it was nothing Maxima himself did, or anyone else. He dropped his hand, pausing to try and find the right words.]
I told you, right? About what happened to my parents when I was a kid?
[He's going somewhere with this, but he had to be reminded of what Maxima knew.]
no subject
He hadn't allowed himself to be close enough to people for nicknames in far too long.
But hearing the reassurance did settle something down inside him, as did the promise of some kind of explanation for why Lighter had run so abruptly. He nodded, listening solemnly.]
You mentioned they were killed in some sort of violent confrontation, and that you'd been raised as a foster child afterward.
[Not that he entirely understood what the latter part of that implied, in this world.]
no subject
[He's remembering now. And hesitating because of it. Lighter was laid back by nature but also incredibly closed off. Not necessarily setting himself on a pedestal like "the champion" but nevertheless keeping himself at a distance from others. He's kept that up and... it led him to run.
It led him to run and everyone to worry about him.
It led him to breaking the heart of someone who he didn't want to deny.
There was a lot of penance to pay for what Lighter did. A long line of people who had every right to punch him in the face. Opening up to Maxima is the least he can do, even if it was still hard.]
The way that worked for me is... you set orphans up in child care centers, usually ones that don't have enough hands or cash for as many kids that are there. Some people sign on as foster parents to take in one or more kids from those centers to take care of. Maybe get adopted down the line if you're lucky.
I wasn't.
[He's tense, and there's a bitterness at the edge of his tone.]
I got moved around a lot between families. It seems I was too much of a troublemaker for a lot of the parents to handle. Rika's mom didn't wanna take me in either. So all I had was one family for maybe a year or two before they sent me off. I couldn't even stay with the ones I liked. Something made it so I had to go to another family. Then another... over and over again until I aged out of the system at 18.
[...]
I was the only consistent thread. It had to be something I was doing to screw up any long term stay.
I thought I would screw it up again, but I know I like it here. It was a lot going on in my head, so I skipped town after the job was done to try and get my head on straight.