[Lighter didn't pull back until Maxima did. He didn't have much to offer except a shoulder to cry on, but that suited him fine in this moment. Lighter didn't have to do much but hold his friend.
In doing so he felt more guilt creep up. The constant what if's that nagged at his heart.
Idly, he made a mental note to... to check on Hugo and Lycaon later...
When Maxima pulled away, Lighter's expression was a bit hard to nail down. Obviously he was still worried about Maxima, studying the man's mannerisms and body language. Seeing if anything else needed to be done. He counted on Maxima to say so.]
Don't mention it. Everyone's got a breaking point. It's gonna hit harder when you pretend it doesn't exist.
[...]
It'll be worth talking to your friend later on. You did what you had to do, if you explain that he'd understand.
[Lighter hoped anyway. Sure he also lacked some crucial information, but.]
[At that, Maxima grimaced, and pulled away more fully.]
...I don't know that he will, but thank you for saying so.
[His voice was coming out quiet, defeated. After all of that...he still needed to tell Lighter the whole truth, too.]
If you have time to listen...I...I should tell you about where I come from. About the Empire and what it means. So that you can understand why...what I did to him is something he shouldn't forgive me for.
You don't. But you don't know that he won't either.
[He'll never know until he tries. But he didn't need to try today. He didn't need to do anything today. Lighter would hold the fort for a little while longer.
And he would listen for as long as his friend needed. He won't say no to more pieces of the puzzle being filled in.]
[He takes a deep breath, holds it for a beat, lets it out slowly. Doesn't raise his head to meet Lighter's eyes as he sits at a careful distance, all too aware that doing this might be ending another friendship.
So be it. If he's going to lose everything, then so be it. Lighter deserves the truth.]
There's no two ways about it: my people were villains to all the world. Even I didn't realize the extent of that until I was forced into exile, to see for myself how the people outside our borders lived, how they saw us.
[Better to start from the beginning.]
Before I was born, before we were an Empire, the Garlean Republic and its people struggled to survive in the land of Ilsabard, the frozen north. ...Unlike all the other races of Etheirys, we are unable to use magic. Every Garlean schoolchild is taught that, because of this inability, we were easy targets for those who coveted our lands, and thus driven out and forced to live in places no one else wanted.
I don't know how much of that is true. That history is too old to verify, and if there are other facts that underlie it, they are long lost to the pride and resentment of a suffering people.
Around sixty or so years ago, the combustion engine was invented, powered by the abundant deposits of ceruleum beneath Ilsabard's ice. ...Think of it as gasoline, or at least the oil that it's refined from. That was when our lives began to change. The soldier who invented it was hailed as a hero, and quickly rose through the ranks on his ingenuity, becoming supreme commander and eventually being crowned Emperor. All the while, machinery enabled by his engines was on the rise in every aspect of life. We could till fields, run trains, heat our homes. Drill for more materials, for ores and ceruleum to build and power more and grander machines.
And of course, we could make war on those who had driven us to such extremes in the first place. [He lets his eyes fall closed again.] We could take back what we had lost so many generations ago, and more besides. We with our ingenuity and resilience could rule all the world if we chose - and why should we not? After all we had suffered, so the sentiment ran, why should we not deserve to claim our place at the pinnacle of civilization?
[If at any point Maxima glimpsed Lighter, he'd see the man's face go on a quiet, subtle journey. With a connecting thread of anger following each step and each revelation.
If "Etheirys" was a world with a lot of magic, of course it'd put the Garleans at disadvantage. You work with what you have to protect yourself, they had oil. They had machines, they had quick transportation.
... The Outer Ring. The Outer Ring had oil. The Outer Ring had Cinderglow Lake. They almost lost it. They did lose their Overlord because of an ambitious traitor. They were on the outskirts where no one in the big city cared for or about them until it was convenient. They had their own law as outsiders.
Gangs have their own law in the roughest ghettos, the lowest income neighborhoods. People you don't fuck with. Turning a blind eye to turning tricks and dealing.
In all of these, one person always decided they wanted more. They wanted to be the big shot, the top dog, the "Emperor". And with Garlemald... that need to protect one's self turned into the worst of the worst on a national scale. A sense of entitlement. Of superiority, "the better" race of people.
It's sickening.
So that's the kind of land Maxima came from. In the end, Lighter's face journey seemed short. Traces of anger, of frustration. That lost look in his eyes as he tried to navigate his current and past life memories. When he finally spoke, the look in his eyes was difficult to read.
But his tone was... perhaps eerily neutral.]
That's the place your friend got roped into fighting for, huh?
[Sharper:]
The kinda place that thought it'd oppress before it got oppressed. It ended up led by the kind of men who thought they were owed the rest of the world just because they found something useful. And thought they could lead the way even though no one wanted it. It wasn't about what other people wanted in the end, it's about the upper crust.
[A pause. And then softer:]
That's the place you wanted to rebuild into something different, right?
[Maxima flinched and seemed to withdraw into himself a little further at each sharp word, each just castigation. The Empire had never truly been about uplifting the weak, only about turning the tables and making someone else suffer for once. He understands that now, better than he ever had before he was forced into exile.
And then the last sentence was an open hand instead of a fist. His shoulders slumped a little, and he finally dared a glance back at Lighter.]
I did. I do. I... [He grimaced, hating the words he was about to speak but knowing them for truth anyway.] I don't trust the people who remain to...to build something that's better than what we had, unless the right people are there to remind them what that needs to look like. There are a few with hearts in the right place, but...
[He shook his head.] In any case, my good intentions aren't the point. The point is, my friend, Takame...he came from one of the places we took over. He was raised under the Empire's thumb, had only in recent years begun to truly shake off the scars that upbringing had left on him. He trusted in me, as a dissenter against the common view, to treat him like an equal. ...And now, whatever my intentions, I've broken that trust and reminded him of where we sit in the hierarchy of my homeland. ...He shouldn't forgive me for that.
[More quietly:]
He never should have put so much trust in me in the first place.
[There's another long pause from Lighter. And then an inaudible exhale.]
I won't go speaking for a guy I don't know, but... isn't it his choice to forgive you or not?
[His tone was still on the softer side, but Lighter was always rather blunt. Usually it got him into trouble. But that suited him just fine.]
You may be right, he may not forgive you. But that's for him to decide, not for you to assume.
[He leaned over a bit, enough so Maxima couldn't avoid looking at him entirely.]
You still think it's an injustice that he was raised under the Empire's thumb, and it was. You still care about him enough to be this upset about what you had to do to keep him alive. Based on what you're saying, I figure not a lot of officers would give a damn about being forgiven or not. You do.
That's the difference here. You care. You still wanted your country to be better and you still want to do good by the one who suffered at its hands all the way in another world.
[...]
But it doesn't make the regret hurt any less. It doesn't make you want to scream into the sky any less. I know that.
[He lifted his head a little more as Lighter leaned into his space, no longer so avoidant. No longer so afraid that the things he can't help being might poison everything good he's managed to build for himself here.]
...It doesn't. But...I was right. [A long beat.] ...You really are a kind man at heart.
[He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, feeling the weight of everything settle into his bones.] You're sure I can't help you with the paperwork? I probably shouldn't be speaking to clients right now, but...
[He really won't know what to do with himself if he isn't keeping busy with something.]
[If Lighter allowed himself to resent Maxima over where he came from, well... he'd be no better than folks who thought that of him. Maxima's a good man. A good friend.
Lighter hoped this Takame guy could find it in his heart to at least hear Maxima out. If only for his friend's sake. That's all he could do.
He did find himself scratching the back of his head a bit sheepishly.]
Hah, c'mon now this ain't about me. Besides, look who's talking.
[Said while giving Maxima a light pat on the back.]
I've got it all covered. Give yourself a couple days to just veg out and recover. It'll do you some good.
[It's really Maxima's work, but he's under instructions to try not to think about that.]
But...I wouldn't mind the company, either. Not that I think I'm likely to be very good company right now.
[His canine instincts were strong this month. If asked, that's the excuse he would give for the way he stared at Lighter's hand, his soft floppy ears twitching slightly.]
Eh, it's fine. Call it an early lunch break and I've still got time on it.
[They get mandated breaks, so Maxima can't protest that logic. At seeing that little flick of the ears, Lighter started scratching behind them gently. He's been around enough dogs to know what that meant.]
Company's company. I don't mind helping a friend out this way.
[As soon as Lighter touched his ears, half the tension seemed to leave Maxima's body. Sometimes there's no comfort that can surpass just bypassing the thoughts and striking right at the animal instincts. He leaned his head into the touch, appreciative both of the comfort willingly offered and the fact that he'd been understood without words.]
You are a good friend.
[Both to him and in general. Better that he deserved, really, though he knew better than to voice that where it could be shot down.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
In doing so he felt more guilt creep up. The constant what if's that nagged at his heart.
Idly, he made a mental note to... to check on Hugo and Lycaon later...
When Maxima pulled away, Lighter's expression was a bit hard to nail down. Obviously he was still worried about Maxima, studying the man's mannerisms and body language. Seeing if anything else needed to be done. He counted on Maxima to say so.]
Don't mention it. Everyone's got a breaking point. It's gonna hit harder when you pretend it doesn't exist.
[...]
It'll be worth talking to your friend later on. You did what you had to do, if you explain that he'd understand.
[Lighter hoped anyway. Sure he also lacked some crucial information, but.]
no subject
...I don't know that he will, but thank you for saying so.
[His voice was coming out quiet, defeated. After all of that...he still needed to tell Lighter the whole truth, too.]
If you have time to listen...I...I should tell you about where I come from. About the Empire and what it means. So that you can understand why...what I did to him is something he shouldn't forgive me for.
no subject
[He'll never know until he tries. But he didn't need to try today. He didn't need to do anything today. Lighter would hold the fort for a little while longer.
And he would listen for as long as his friend needed. He won't say no to more pieces of the puzzle being filled in.]
I'm listening.
no subject
So be it. If he's going to lose everything, then so be it. Lighter deserves the truth.]
There's no two ways about it: my people were villains to all the world. Even I didn't realize the extent of that until I was forced into exile, to see for myself how the people outside our borders lived, how they saw us.
[Better to start from the beginning.]
Before I was born, before we were an Empire, the Garlean Republic and its people struggled to survive in the land of Ilsabard, the frozen north. ...Unlike all the other races of Etheirys, we are unable to use magic. Every Garlean schoolchild is taught that, because of this inability, we were easy targets for those who coveted our lands, and thus driven out and forced to live in places no one else wanted.
I don't know how much of that is true. That history is too old to verify, and if there are other facts that underlie it, they are long lost to the pride and resentment of a suffering people.
Around sixty or so years ago, the combustion engine was invented, powered by the abundant deposits of ceruleum beneath Ilsabard's ice. ...Think of it as gasoline, or at least the oil that it's refined from. That was when our lives began to change. The soldier who invented it was hailed as a hero, and quickly rose through the ranks on his ingenuity, becoming supreme commander and eventually being crowned Emperor. All the while, machinery enabled by his engines was on the rise in every aspect of life. We could till fields, run trains, heat our homes. Drill for more materials, for ores and ceruleum to build and power more and grander machines.
And of course, we could make war on those who had driven us to such extremes in the first place. [He lets his eyes fall closed again.] We could take back what we had lost so many generations ago, and more besides. We with our ingenuity and resilience could rule all the world if we chose - and why should we not? After all we had suffered, so the sentiment ran, why should we not deserve to claim our place at the pinnacle of civilization?
cw mentions of gang activity and rascism
If "Etheirys" was a world with a lot of magic, of course it'd put the Garleans at disadvantage. You work with what you have to protect yourself, they had oil. They had machines, they had quick transportation.
... The Outer Ring. The Outer Ring had oil. The Outer Ring had Cinderglow Lake. They almost lost it. They did lose their Overlord because of an ambitious traitor. They were on the outskirts where no one in the big city cared for or about them until it was convenient. They had their own law as outsiders.
Gangs have their own law in the roughest ghettos, the lowest income neighborhoods. People you don't fuck with. Turning a blind eye to turning tricks and dealing.
In all of these, one person always decided they wanted more. They wanted to be the big shot, the top dog, the "Emperor". And with Garlemald... that need to protect one's self turned into the worst of the worst on a national scale. A sense of entitlement. Of superiority, "the better" race of people.
It's sickening.
So that's the kind of land Maxima came from. In the end, Lighter's face journey seemed short. Traces of anger, of frustration. That lost look in his eyes as he tried to navigate his current and past life memories. When he finally spoke, the look in his eyes was difficult to read.
But his tone was... perhaps eerily neutral.]
That's the place your friend got roped into fighting for, huh?
[Sharper:]
The kinda place that thought it'd oppress before it got oppressed. It ended up led by the kind of men who thought they were owed the rest of the world just because they found something useful. And thought they could lead the way even though no one wanted it. It wasn't about what other people wanted in the end, it's about the upper crust.
[A pause. And then softer:]
That's the place you wanted to rebuild into something different, right?
no subject
And then the last sentence was an open hand instead of a fist. His shoulders slumped a little, and he finally dared a glance back at Lighter.]
I did. I do. I... [He grimaced, hating the words he was about to speak but knowing them for truth anyway.] I don't trust the people who remain to...to build something that's better than what we had, unless the right people are there to remind them what that needs to look like. There are a few with hearts in the right place, but...
[He shook his head.] In any case, my good intentions aren't the point. The point is, my friend, Takame...he came from one of the places we took over. He was raised under the Empire's thumb, had only in recent years begun to truly shake off the scars that upbringing had left on him. He trusted in me, as a dissenter against the common view, to treat him like an equal. ...And now, whatever my intentions, I've broken that trust and reminded him of where we sit in the hierarchy of my homeland. ...He shouldn't forgive me for that.
[More quietly:]
He never should have put so much trust in me in the first place.
no subject
I won't go speaking for a guy I don't know, but... isn't it his choice to forgive you or not?
[His tone was still on the softer side, but Lighter was always rather blunt. Usually it got him into trouble. But that suited him just fine.]
You may be right, he may not forgive you. But that's for him to decide, not for you to assume.
[He leaned over a bit, enough so Maxima couldn't avoid looking at him entirely.]
You still think it's an injustice that he was raised under the Empire's thumb, and it was. You still care about him enough to be this upset about what you had to do to keep him alive. Based on what you're saying, I figure not a lot of officers would give a damn about being forgiven or not. You do.
That's the difference here. You care. You still wanted your country to be better and you still want to do good by the one who suffered at its hands all the way in another world.
[...]
But it doesn't make the regret hurt any less. It doesn't make you want to scream into the sky any less. I know that.
no subject
...It doesn't. But...I was right. [A long beat.] ...You really are a kind man at heart.
[He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, feeling the weight of everything settle into his bones.] You're sure I can't help you with the paperwork? I probably shouldn't be speaking to clients right now, but...
[He really won't know what to do with himself if he isn't keeping busy with something.]
no subject
Lighter hoped this Takame guy could find it in his heart to at least hear Maxima out. If only for his friend's sake. That's all he could do.
He did find himself scratching the back of his head a bit sheepishly.]
Hah, c'mon now this ain't about me. Besides, look who's talking.
[Said while giving Maxima a light pat on the back.]
I've got it all covered. Give yourself a couple days to just veg out and recover. It'll do you some good.
no subject
[He sighed. Let himself fall backward onto the bed, a touch melodramatically. Maybe he's allowed just a little bit of dramatics, after all that.]
...I'll try. ...I don't know what I'll do, but I'll try.
no subject
That's all I'm asking. Watch a movie, take a walk... figure out a new hobby or something. [A light shrug.] You'll figure it out.
I'll stick around with you a bit longer before I head back, if you want.
no subject
[It's really Maxima's work, but he's under instructions to try not to think about that.]
But...I wouldn't mind the company, either. Not that I think I'm likely to be very good company right now.
[His canine instincts were strong this month. If asked, that's the excuse he would give for the way he stared at Lighter's hand, his soft floppy ears twitching slightly.]
no subject
[They get mandated breaks, so Maxima can't protest that logic. At seeing that little flick of the ears, Lighter started scratching behind them gently. He's been around enough dogs to know what that meant.]
Company's company. I don't mind helping a friend out this way.
[It kept him from dwelling.]
no subject
You are a good friend.
[Both to him and in general. Better that he deserved, really, though he knew better than to voice that where it could be shot down.]
...Thank you, then.