[Lorenzo felt completely deflated after all was said and done. He came close to snapping on people once the adrenaline wore down but managed to keep it to a simmer rather than a boil. Since having a bit of time to cool down he felt a bit bad about it. Folks were just trying to help.
As if he wasn't stewing in enough guilt because of what happened.
It's why he was relieved when Maxima came over to his room with food. That and, well, anything beat hospital food. He tried to give a wave with his arm now in a cast, but remembered himself and waved with his other hand instead.]
Yeah, I'm around. And dinner with company is sounding real good right now.
[He was clearly feeling better, but the difference is he felt like shit instead of felt like shit in the seventh layer of hell.]
[A tired, sardonic smile as he enters and closes the door behind him, finding somewhere to set the food down; he knows that's not a reassuring thing to say, but that's kind of the point of his being here. They've both been through a lot, and not just recently.]
It's stroganoff. A recipe from home. Don't eat it too quickly - it holds in the heat.
[He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly as he sits down, the lingering exhaustion beginning to show.] ...I'm sore as anything, but...I think the quiet is the most troubling thing. No one's going to bounce back until Jun and Harumasa are with us again.
Same here. [A broken arm isn't the worst injury he's ever had, even as a boxer. It'll basically be like nothing happened a week or so from now. There's a nod in thanks for the food and he did think it looked damn tasty. Sure he had a low bar right now, but Maxima wasn't a bad cook.
He didn't blame the man for letting the exhaustion finally set in, God knows it was gonna take longer than a day for them to really recover. Mentally and physically.]
Yeah, it feels like something's really missing without them around. They're getting the best care they can, I'm taking solace in that.
[Jun would be fine, it was Harumasa Lighter was really worried about. But even with Jun being fine.
Neither of them would have gone to the hospital if not for Lighter's foolishness. And it's that thought that made him drag a hand down his face.]
[There was something more to it all. Maxima hadn't had time to really process what had happened at the start of the game, the swift sequence of events that had immediately derailed their night. He still isn't sure exactly why all of that happened the way it did.]
...I noticed last night as well, you seemed to be taking it hard. I'm sure their family wouldn't mind a close friend stopping in, if you're worried for them.
[He doesn't think it's just worry, but he's hoping that's enough for Lighter to open up about what it actually is.]
cw suicide ideation and expect sprinkles of it throughout
It's fine. They're in the best place they can be right now. I'm no good at paying hospital visits.
[Realizing that came out harsher than intended, Lighter sighed.]
Sorry... I'm still pretty on edge. That's why it's not a great idea for me to see them until they're recovered.
[...]
Jun knew I was supposed to take that shot. I guess he must have told Harumasa too. If I knew what was coming...
["I could have stopped them from being hurt. It would have killed me like it should have."]
Guess there's no use dwelling on it anymore. It's never fun seeing a kid get hurt, especially not that badly. [Another huffed laugh, humorless.] Even if he's really not a kid anymore.
[That puts everything in a different light. He'd picked up on some odd tension in the room despite the occasion, but not enough to make him concerned until it had all gone off at once. Jun must have told Varian, that's why Varian was so twitchy. Had Wriothesley's vigilance also been a part of the plan, or had he simply sensed something wrong as well?]
...Why wouldn't they tell you? Let you protect yourself? Why the...charade of normalcy?
[There's a trace of real anger in his voice. Being protected over and over again is a wound to his pride, and to have that choice made against his will...]
...I certainly can't blame you for being upset, under the circumstances.
They wanted to keep it from happening and make sure I survived. ["... Lighter, why do you sound like you think I made a mistake with saving your life? "]
... Don't hold it against them too much. I see where they're coming from, even if it was insanely reckless.
[But of course he was still upset. Just probably not for the reason Maxima thought. It wasn't that Lighter wasn't grateful to still be alive. It was that... it was that if his second chance ran out why not let it play out?
But you could have helped. Taken part in defending yourself rather than simply being rescued without any input as to how. Surely there was some other way than...
[He pauses and takes a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down.]
...Perhaps they had their reasons for the way they went about it. I certainly wouldn't have wanted you to take the blow, either, and I know... Jun had mentioned some time long before that it's hardly the first time he's been [shot, but it occurs to him at the last moment that maybe that isn't the best thing to bring up here and now] ...injured, in the line of what he considers his duty.
[Much like with Jun and the others, Lighter knew where Maxima was coming from here. At least to an extent. Lighter was just as upset if not moreso, he just preferred to lash out without eyes on him.]
They are. For guys like us, Jun and Varian are still kids. Definitely no one that deserves to be caught in the crossfire of a gun or risking a life they've barely gotten to live...
[There's some strain on his voice towards the middle. Like there was an intimate familiarity there.
Habit had him pull a pack of cigarettes from a corner table, flicking one out of the box. He paused to look at it for a while, as if debating whether or not to light up right now.]
Jun's still gonna be that kid in the corner at the youth camp in my mind. The one who never talked or made friends. I'd be lying if I said that didn't make it hit harder... It's kind of wild to see him this willing to fight at all, let alone for other people.
I only knew him for once summer 'till I got the app, but I'm proud of him. And I'm pretty sure he's got a lot of people getting on him about taking injuries lightly right now. He and Varian sure were going at it for a bit.
[He thinks about a younger Jun, even more closed-off and standoffish than the one they know now.] ...I can imagine it. And of course it only makes it harder, if you've seen how much he's grown...
[The reminder of Jun and Varian's squabbling gets a slight smile.]
Those two care for one another so much. I'm not sure I'll ever understand either of them, but I'm glad they have each other.
Children should be protected, and even if they aren't truly children anymore... I wish there was more we could do for them. Jun's abilities in particular are simply too far beyond anything I can imagine being capable of. I don't like knowing that I'd only be in the way if I tried.
It's up to them to understand each other if they're this committed. They're definitely gonna drive themselves crazy over it.
[Said with great affection, granted. He was so glad Jun had such a wide range of people that cared.
But it made the guilt burn so much hotter. Made him want to dwell so deep on the pain that Jun made so many people worry because Lighter was the one meant to be the target. How many times...
How many times in either of his lives does this need to happen...?
He went quiet for a very long moment, staring into nothing. Staring into a life that wasn't his anymore but that his current one echoed so loudly that he ended up lighting up a cigarette anyway and taking a long drag.]
... I already heal quickly. This will be good as new in about a week, give or take. [Said raising his currently broken arm.] I heal that fast with some "help", but it's insane to see what Jun can survive. It's just up to the people close to him that've gotta remind him he shouldn't need to.
Y'know, you knew what to do more than me at the time. [He jabbed Maxima lightly with his shoulder. Give yourself more credit, sir.] That's not being in the way. And you've got a way to heal other people.
[But rather than be reassured, he winces at the reminder.]
...I know how to stop the bleeding once the blow has struck, to close the wounds once they're dealt. Somehow I always manage to be the one to arrive after the damage is done.
[It's not worthless, but it is wearying nonetheless.]
...Something is still bothering you, I can tell. [His silences are too long, too pained.] Is this...entirely about Jun?
[Yeah, Lighter knew that feeling. That not being fast enough, not being there in time, not being able to stop. The endless "what if I...?" feedback loop. They just happened to be in different parts of the timeline for it.
There is another long silence. Lorenzo felt tense being read like that.
It went very deep, the core of how he felt. Deeper than he anticipated. And as he looked out over that proverbial abyss that is his own pain he felt himself freeze at the thought of speaking it aloud.
If he didn't consider Maxima a very good friend, he would have evaded this entirely. But he clearly understood some of these feelings. And, well, they didn't need to go into the deep end.]
Heh, is it that obvious? Looks like I'm worse at keeping cool than I thought. [He shrugged his shoulders a little.]
Let's just say I've been around a lot of shooting casualties. It's how I lost my parents before I even really knew who they were.
[A whole nation's populace, or what's left of it, each manifesting trauma in their own unique ways. The Ilsabard Contingent had to learn quickly.
But that admission pulls him up short, understanding entering his eyes before he glances away.]
I'm sorry, I- I had no idea. [Lighter had mentioned being moved between families as a child, as orphans are, but of course Maxima had had no way of knowing what had happened.] ...You needn't speak on it if it's too uncomfortable.
[What would his life have been like, if he'd lost his own parents before he was living on his own? If their activities had caught up with them sooner? He can hardly imagine.]
Figured as much. [Lorenzo's memory was fucking terrible but he hasn't forgotten what he saw in May. Just what was on his to-do list for the week.
He worked up a sympathetic smile, though his tone was still heavy.]
Don't worry about it. It still stuck with me, I can't deny that. And it wouldn't be the last time violence like that crossed me. It's not uncommon with foster kids like I was. But for me now it's in the past.
[... what were their names. What were the names of the people "Lighter" lost?]
Trauma just... likes to creep up at the worst time. Or something like that... [He had a far off look again. Not too different from how Ghilley looked at times during that dangerous game. It was no wonder he opted to smoke right now, it was grounding for better or worse.]
It does, at that. And it makes everything around it more sensitive, harder to endure.
[He pauses to let silence fall, stirring his dinner as he thinks about his own experiences.] ...I was older when I lost my own parents, old enough to be on my own, but it still left its mark. The news that called me home, the explanations of what had happened to them were...insufficient, vague in a way that could only have been deliberate concealment. [He closes his eyes for a moment.] ...I'd always held out some hope that I might one day learn what had truly happened; but I doubt anyone who knew remains to tell the story, anymore.
[It isn't the same thing. Even so, somehow they're just a little bit alike.]
[He listened while Maxima recounted his loss. Even if Maxima didn't lose his world potentially, the very pessimistic part of Lorenzo didn't expect his parents to be around either way. He hated listening to that pessimist side of him. Hated admitting it was right even more.
A country didn't need a guy like Maxima to help pull it together without some serious, root-deep corruption being shown on upheaval.
Even still...]
It's one thing to lose them before you know them like I did. But even if you were out on your own you knew who they were, what they stood for, what they looked like, what they wanted. And now...
[He will never have closure. Not even a chance at closure like Lorenzo did, further and further away it seemed with loan reminders piling up again. True crime internet posts reminding him of what happened to his old crew.
Maxima had no records to look back on even when his world wasn't in ruin.]
[He shakes his head at the apology, smiling sadly in response.]
I know it isn't much in comparison to what you've endured. At least I could grow up in their house, with the memories of their love, and their beliefs to carry me forward as I continued their work.
[And his father's glasses. He'll be very upset if something ever breaks those.]
...Carrying on that work is why it had been so long since I've let myself be close to anyone, really. I was sure I'd meet the same fate sooner or later. I never actually expected to outlive the Empire that killed them.
[That's just rude, smiling so sad like Lighter did on remembering his parents. But he returned it to the best of his ability.]
Hey, just because I'm not one to lose doesn't mean I make everything a contest, least of all tragedy. It's not about comparing it. Hell, I'm glad you got to know them and carry on their memory like that.
I'm glad you're still kicking around. That Empire doesn't need to be for you to keep what they believed in alive.
[Even this melancholy has a sweetness to it when it's shared, perhaps.]
And I'm glad you were able to overcome so much without growing cruel in the process. That's not an easy feat; I've seen too many people fail at it.
[He glances away, relaxing a little more.] ...I just want to be sure you know that you needn't be alone with these things. If there's one thing I can take away from those dark days of the Empire's collapse, it's the knowledge that even when our experiences may not be exactly the same, sharing the burden helps.
Heh, and the joke about me being worse than you think's been old for a while now.
[He knew that by now, but was still caught off guard by that reminder. That he isn't alone anymore. Lorenzo had spent so long drifting and fighting and being nothing more than a spectacle. Half of it was intentional, just following the familiar path. Staying at a distance because he would move at any moment.
Stability is strange. It's frightening, honestly.
But it's not bad. As difficult of a battle breaking his habit was...
Well, he was the "undefeated champion." This was just one round of many. He's having a rough start that might continue. But he'll come out on top.]
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As if he wasn't stewing in enough guilt because of what happened.
It's why he was relieved when Maxima came over to his room with food. That and, well, anything beat hospital food. He tried to give a wave with his arm now in a cast, but remembered himself and waved with his other hand instead.]
Yeah, I'm around. And dinner with company is sounding real good right now.
[He was clearly feeling better, but the difference is he felt like shit instead of felt like shit in the seventh layer of hell.]
Howr're you feeling?
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[A tired, sardonic smile as he enters and closes the door behind him, finding somewhere to set the food down; he knows that's not a reassuring thing to say, but that's kind of the point of his being here. They've both been through a lot, and not just recently.]
It's stroganoff. A recipe from home. Don't eat it too quickly - it holds in the heat.
[He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly as he sits down, the lingering exhaustion beginning to show.] ...I'm sore as anything, but...I think the quiet is the most troubling thing. No one's going to bounce back until Jun and Harumasa are with us again.
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Same here. [A broken arm isn't the worst injury he's ever had, even as a boxer. It'll basically be like nothing happened a week or so from now. There's a nod in thanks for the food and he did think it looked damn tasty. Sure he had a low bar right now, but Maxima wasn't a bad cook.
He didn't blame the man for letting the exhaustion finally set in, God knows it was gonna take longer than a day for them to really recover. Mentally and physically.]
Yeah, it feels like something's really missing without them around. They're getting the best care they can, I'm taking solace in that.
[Jun would be fine, it was Harumasa Lighter was really worried about. But even with Jun being fine.
Neither of them would have gone to the hospital if not for Lighter's foolishness. And it's that thought that made him drag a hand down his face.]
Fucking God...
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...I noticed last night as well, you seemed to be taking it hard. I'm sure their family wouldn't mind a close friend stopping in, if you're worried for them.
[He doesn't think it's just worry, but he's hoping that's enough for Lighter to open up about what it actually is.]
cw suicide ideation and expect sprinkles of it throughout
It's fine. They're in the best place they can be right now. I'm no good at paying hospital visits.
[Realizing that came out harsher than intended, Lighter sighed.]
Sorry... I'm still pretty on edge. That's why it's not a great idea for me to see them until they're recovered.
[...]
Jun knew I was supposed to take that shot. I guess he must have told Harumasa too. If I knew what was coming...
["I could have stopped them from being hurt. It would have killed me like it should have."]
Guess there's no use dwelling on it anymore. It's never fun seeing a kid get hurt, especially not that badly. [Another huffed laugh, humorless.] Even if he's really not a kid anymore.
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[That puts everything in a different light. He'd picked up on some odd tension in the room despite the occasion, but not enough to make him concerned until it had all gone off at once. Jun must have told Varian, that's why Varian was so twitchy. Had Wriothesley's vigilance also been a part of the plan, or had he simply sensed something wrong as well?]
...Why wouldn't they tell you? Let you protect yourself? Why the...charade of normalcy?
[There's a trace of real anger in his voice. Being protected over and over again is a wound to his pride, and to have that choice made against his will...]
...I certainly can't blame you for being upset, under the circumstances.
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... Don't hold it against them too much. I see where they're coming from, even if it was insanely reckless.
[But of course he was still upset. Just probably not for the reason Maxima thought. It wasn't that Lighter wasn't grateful to still be alive. It was that... it was that if his second chance ran out why not let it play out?
Fuck's sake, son...]
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[He pauses and takes a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down.]
...Perhaps they had their reasons for the way they went about it. I certainly wouldn't have wanted you to take the blow, either, and I know... Jun had mentioned some time long before that it's hardly the first time he's been [shot, but it occurs to him at the last moment that maybe that isn't the best thing to bring up here and now] ...injured, in the line of what he considers his duty.
They're all so young.
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They are. For guys like us, Jun and Varian are still kids. Definitely no one that deserves to be caught in the crossfire of a gun or risking a life they've barely gotten to live...
[There's some strain on his voice towards the middle. Like there was an intimate familiarity there.
Habit had him pull a pack of cigarettes from a corner table, flicking one out of the box. He paused to look at it for a while, as if debating whether or not to light up right now.]
Jun's still gonna be that kid in the corner at the youth camp in my mind. The one who never talked or made friends. I'd be lying if I said that didn't make it hit harder... It's kind of wild to see him this willing to fight at all, let alone for other people.
I only knew him for once summer 'till I got the app, but I'm proud of him. And I'm pretty sure he's got a lot of people getting on him about taking injuries lightly right now. He and Varian sure were going at it for a bit.
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[The reminder of Jun and Varian's squabbling gets a slight smile.]
Those two care for one another so much. I'm not sure I'll ever understand either of them, but I'm glad they have each other.
Children should be protected, and even if they aren't truly children anymore... I wish there was more we could do for them. Jun's abilities in particular are simply too far beyond anything I can imagine being capable of. I don't like knowing that I'd only be in the way if I tried.
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[Said with great affection, granted. He was so glad Jun had such a wide range of people that cared.
But it made the guilt burn so much hotter. Made him want to dwell so deep on the pain that Jun made so many people worry because Lighter was the one meant to be the target. How many times...
How many times in either of his lives does this need to happen...?
He went quiet for a very long moment, staring into nothing. Staring into a life that wasn't his anymore but that his current one echoed so loudly that he ended up lighting up a cigarette anyway and taking a long drag.]
... I already heal quickly. This will be good as new in about a week, give or take. [Said raising his currently broken arm.] I heal that fast with some "help", but it's insane to see what Jun can survive. It's just up to the people close to him that've gotta remind him he shouldn't need to.
Y'know, you knew what to do more than me at the time. [He jabbed Maxima lightly with his shoulder. Give yourself more credit, sir.] That's not being in the way. And you've got a way to heal other people.
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...I know how to stop the bleeding once the blow has struck, to close the wounds once they're dealt. Somehow I always manage to be the one to arrive after the damage is done.
[It's not worthless, but it is wearying nonetheless.]
...Something is still bothering you, I can tell. [His silences are too long, too pained.] Is this...entirely about Jun?
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[Yeah, Lighter knew that feeling. That not being fast enough, not being there in time, not being able to stop. The endless "what if I...?" feedback loop. They just happened to be in different parts of the timeline for it.
There is another long silence. Lorenzo felt tense being read like that.
It went very deep, the core of how he felt. Deeper than he anticipated. And as he looked out over that proverbial abyss that is his own pain he felt himself freeze at the thought of speaking it aloud.
If he didn't consider Maxima a very good friend, he would have evaded this entirely. But he clearly understood some of these feelings. And, well, they didn't need to go into the deep end.]
Heh, is it that obvious? Looks like I'm worse at keeping cool than I thought. [He shrugged his shoulders a little.]
Let's just say I've been around a lot of shooting casualties. It's how I lost my parents before I even really knew who they were.
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[A whole nation's populace, or what's left of it, each manifesting trauma in their own unique ways. The Ilsabard Contingent had to learn quickly.
But that admission pulls him up short, understanding entering his eyes before he glances away.]
I'm sorry, I- I had no idea. [Lighter had mentioned being moved between families as a child, as orphans are, but of course Maxima had had no way of knowing what had happened.] ...You needn't speak on it if it's too uncomfortable.
[What would his life have been like, if he'd lost his own parents before he was living on his own? If their activities had caught up with them sooner? He can hardly imagine.]
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He worked up a sympathetic smile, though his tone was still heavy.]
Don't worry about it. It still stuck with me, I can't deny that. And it wouldn't be the last time violence like that crossed me. It's not uncommon with foster kids like I was. But for me now it's in the past.
[... what were their names. What were the names of the people "Lighter" lost?]
Trauma just... likes to creep up at the worst time. Or something like that... [He had a far off look again. Not too different from how Ghilley looked at times during that dangerous game. It was no wonder he opted to smoke right now, it was grounding for better or worse.]
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[He pauses to let silence fall, stirring his dinner as he thinks about his own experiences.] ...I was older when I lost my own parents, old enough to be on my own, but it still left its mark. The news that called me home, the explanations of what had happened to them were...insufficient, vague in a way that could only have been deliberate concealment. [He closes his eyes for a moment.] ...I'd always held out some hope that I might one day learn what had truly happened; but I doubt anyone who knew remains to tell the story, anymore.
[It isn't the same thing. Even so, somehow they're just a little bit alike.]
no subject
[He listened while Maxima recounted his loss. Even if Maxima didn't lose his world potentially, the very pessimistic part of Lorenzo didn't expect his parents to be around either way. He hated listening to that pessimist side of him. Hated admitting it was right even more.
A country didn't need a guy like Maxima to help pull it together without some serious, root-deep corruption being shown on upheaval.
Even still...]
It's one thing to lose them before you know them like I did. But even if you were out on your own you knew who they were, what they stood for, what they looked like, what they wanted. And now...
[He will never have closure. Not even a chance at closure like Lorenzo did, further and further away it seemed with loan reminders piling up again. True crime internet posts reminding him of what happened to his old crew.
Maxima had no records to look back on even when his world wasn't in ruin.]
I'm sorry...
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I know it isn't much in comparison to what you've endured. At least I could grow up in their house, with the memories of their love, and their beliefs to carry me forward as I continued their work.
[And his father's glasses. He'll be very upset if something ever breaks those.]
...Carrying on that work is why it had been so long since I've let myself be close to anyone, really. I was sure I'd meet the same fate sooner or later. I never actually expected to outlive the Empire that killed them.
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Hey, just because I'm not one to lose doesn't mean I make everything a contest, least of all tragedy. It's not about comparing it. Hell, I'm glad you got to know them and carry on their memory like that.
I'm glad you're still kicking around. That Empire doesn't need to be for you to keep what they believed in alive.
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And I'm glad you were able to overcome so much without growing cruel in the process. That's not an easy feat; I've seen too many people fail at it.
[He glances away, relaxing a little more.] ...I just want to be sure you know that you needn't be alone with these things. If there's one thing I can take away from those dark days of the Empire's collapse, it's the knowledge that even when our experiences may not be exactly the same, sharing the burden helps.
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[He knew that by now, but was still caught off guard by that reminder. That he isn't alone anymore. Lorenzo had spent so long drifting and fighting and being nothing more than a spectacle. Half of it was intentional, just following the familiar path. Staying at a distance because he would move at any moment.
Stability is strange. It's frightening, honestly.
But it's not bad. As difficult of a battle breaking his habit was...
Well, he was the "undefeated champion." This was just one round of many. He's having a rough start that might continue. But he'll come out on top.]
Thanks. It means a lot, really.