[But rather than be reassured, he winces at the reminder.]
...I know how to stop the bleeding once the blow has struck, to close the wounds once they're dealt. Somehow I always manage to be the one to arrive after the damage is done.
[It's not worthless, but it is wearying nonetheless.]
...Something is still bothering you, I can tell. [His silences are too long, too pained.] Is this...entirely about Jun?
[Yeah, Lighter knew that feeling. That not being fast enough, not being there in time, not being able to stop. The endless "what if I...?" feedback loop. They just happened to be in different parts of the timeline for it.
There is another long silence. Lorenzo felt tense being read like that.
It went very deep, the core of how he felt. Deeper than he anticipated. And as he looked out over that proverbial abyss that is his own pain he felt himself freeze at the thought of speaking it aloud.
If he didn't consider Maxima a very good friend, he would have evaded this entirely. But he clearly understood some of these feelings. And, well, they didn't need to go into the deep end.]
Heh, is it that obvious? Looks like I'm worse at keeping cool than I thought. [He shrugged his shoulders a little.]
Let's just say I've been around a lot of shooting casualties. It's how I lost my parents before I even really knew who they were.
[A whole nation's populace, or what's left of it, each manifesting trauma in their own unique ways. The Ilsabard Contingent had to learn quickly.
But that admission pulls him up short, understanding entering his eyes before he glances away.]
I'm sorry, I- I had no idea. [Lighter had mentioned being moved between families as a child, as orphans are, but of course Maxima had had no way of knowing what had happened.] ...You needn't speak on it if it's too uncomfortable.
[What would his life have been like, if he'd lost his own parents before he was living on his own? If their activities had caught up with them sooner? He can hardly imagine.]
Figured as much. [Lorenzo's memory was fucking terrible but he hasn't forgotten what he saw in May. Just what was on his to-do list for the week.
He worked up a sympathetic smile, though his tone was still heavy.]
Don't worry about it. It still stuck with me, I can't deny that. And it wouldn't be the last time violence like that crossed me. It's not uncommon with foster kids like I was. But for me now it's in the past.
[... what were their names. What were the names of the people "Lighter" lost?]
Trauma just... likes to creep up at the worst time. Or something like that... [He had a far off look again. Not too different from how Ghilley looked at times during that dangerous game. It was no wonder he opted to smoke right now, it was grounding for better or worse.]
It does, at that. And it makes everything around it more sensitive, harder to endure.
[He pauses to let silence fall, stirring his dinner as he thinks about his own experiences.] ...I was older when I lost my own parents, old enough to be on my own, but it still left its mark. The news that called me home, the explanations of what had happened to them were...insufficient, vague in a way that could only have been deliberate concealment. [He closes his eyes for a moment.] ...I'd always held out some hope that I might one day learn what had truly happened; but I doubt anyone who knew remains to tell the story, anymore.
[It isn't the same thing. Even so, somehow they're just a little bit alike.]
[He listened while Maxima recounted his loss. Even if Maxima didn't lose his world potentially, the very pessimistic part of Lorenzo didn't expect his parents to be around either way. He hated listening to that pessimist side of him. Hated admitting it was right even more.
A country didn't need a guy like Maxima to help pull it together without some serious, root-deep corruption being shown on upheaval.
Even still...]
It's one thing to lose them before you know them like I did. But even if you were out on your own you knew who they were, what they stood for, what they looked like, what they wanted. And now...
[He will never have closure. Not even a chance at closure like Lorenzo did, further and further away it seemed with loan reminders piling up again. True crime internet posts reminding him of what happened to his old crew.
Maxima had no records to look back on even when his world wasn't in ruin.]
[He shakes his head at the apology, smiling sadly in response.]
I know it isn't much in comparison to what you've endured. At least I could grow up in their house, with the memories of their love, and their beliefs to carry me forward as I continued their work.
[And his father's glasses. He'll be very upset if something ever breaks those.]
...Carrying on that work is why it had been so long since I've let myself be close to anyone, really. I was sure I'd meet the same fate sooner or later. I never actually expected to outlive the Empire that killed them.
[That's just rude, smiling so sad like Lighter did on remembering his parents. But he returned it to the best of his ability.]
Hey, just because I'm not one to lose doesn't mean I make everything a contest, least of all tragedy. It's not about comparing it. Hell, I'm glad you got to know them and carry on their memory like that.
I'm glad you're still kicking around. That Empire doesn't need to be for you to keep what they believed in alive.
[Even this melancholy has a sweetness to it when it's shared, perhaps.]
And I'm glad you were able to overcome so much without growing cruel in the process. That's not an easy feat; I've seen too many people fail at it.
[He glances away, relaxing a little more.] ...I just want to be sure you know that you needn't be alone with these things. If there's one thing I can take away from those dark days of the Empire's collapse, it's the knowledge that even when our experiences may not be exactly the same, sharing the burden helps.
Heh, and the joke about me being worse than you think's been old for a while now.
[He knew that by now, but was still caught off guard by that reminder. That he isn't alone anymore. Lorenzo had spent so long drifting and fighting and being nothing more than a spectacle. Half of it was intentional, just following the familiar path. Staying at a distance because he would move at any moment.
Stability is strange. It's frightening, honestly.
But it's not bad. As difficult of a battle breaking his habit was...
Well, he was the "undefeated champion." This was just one round of many. He's having a rough start that might continue. But he'll come out on top.]
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no subject
...I know how to stop the bleeding once the blow has struck, to close the wounds once they're dealt. Somehow I always manage to be the one to arrive after the damage is done.
[It's not worthless, but it is wearying nonetheless.]
...Something is still bothering you, I can tell. [His silences are too long, too pained.] Is this...entirely about Jun?
no subject
[Yeah, Lighter knew that feeling. That not being fast enough, not being there in time, not being able to stop. The endless "what if I...?" feedback loop. They just happened to be in different parts of the timeline for it.
There is another long silence. Lorenzo felt tense being read like that.
It went very deep, the core of how he felt. Deeper than he anticipated. And as he looked out over that proverbial abyss that is his own pain he felt himself freeze at the thought of speaking it aloud.
If he didn't consider Maxima a very good friend, he would have evaded this entirely. But he clearly understood some of these feelings. And, well, they didn't need to go into the deep end.]
Heh, is it that obvious? Looks like I'm worse at keeping cool than I thought. [He shrugged his shoulders a little.]
Let's just say I've been around a lot of shooting casualties. It's how I lost my parents before I even really knew who they were.
no subject
[A whole nation's populace, or what's left of it, each manifesting trauma in their own unique ways. The Ilsabard Contingent had to learn quickly.
But that admission pulls him up short, understanding entering his eyes before he glances away.]
I'm sorry, I- I had no idea. [Lighter had mentioned being moved between families as a child, as orphans are, but of course Maxima had had no way of knowing what had happened.] ...You needn't speak on it if it's too uncomfortable.
[What would his life have been like, if he'd lost his own parents before he was living on his own? If their activities had caught up with them sooner? He can hardly imagine.]
no subject
He worked up a sympathetic smile, though his tone was still heavy.]
Don't worry about it. It still stuck with me, I can't deny that. And it wouldn't be the last time violence like that crossed me. It's not uncommon with foster kids like I was. But for me now it's in the past.
[... what were their names. What were the names of the people "Lighter" lost?]
Trauma just... likes to creep up at the worst time. Or something like that... [He had a far off look again. Not too different from how Ghilley looked at times during that dangerous game. It was no wonder he opted to smoke right now, it was grounding for better or worse.]
no subject
[He pauses to let silence fall, stirring his dinner as he thinks about his own experiences.] ...I was older when I lost my own parents, old enough to be on my own, but it still left its mark. The news that called me home, the explanations of what had happened to them were...insufficient, vague in a way that could only have been deliberate concealment. [He closes his eyes for a moment.] ...I'd always held out some hope that I might one day learn what had truly happened; but I doubt anyone who knew remains to tell the story, anymore.
[It isn't the same thing. Even so, somehow they're just a little bit alike.]
no subject
[He listened while Maxima recounted his loss. Even if Maxima didn't lose his world potentially, the very pessimistic part of Lorenzo didn't expect his parents to be around either way. He hated listening to that pessimist side of him. Hated admitting it was right even more.
A country didn't need a guy like Maxima to help pull it together without some serious, root-deep corruption being shown on upheaval.
Even still...]
It's one thing to lose them before you know them like I did. But even if you were out on your own you knew who they were, what they stood for, what they looked like, what they wanted. And now...
[He will never have closure. Not even a chance at closure like Lorenzo did, further and further away it seemed with loan reminders piling up again. True crime internet posts reminding him of what happened to his old crew.
Maxima had no records to look back on even when his world wasn't in ruin.]
I'm sorry...
no subject
I know it isn't much in comparison to what you've endured. At least I could grow up in their house, with the memories of their love, and their beliefs to carry me forward as I continued their work.
[And his father's glasses. He'll be very upset if something ever breaks those.]
...Carrying on that work is why it had been so long since I've let myself be close to anyone, really. I was sure I'd meet the same fate sooner or later. I never actually expected to outlive the Empire that killed them.
no subject
Hey, just because I'm not one to lose doesn't mean I make everything a contest, least of all tragedy. It's not about comparing it. Hell, I'm glad you got to know them and carry on their memory like that.
I'm glad you're still kicking around. That Empire doesn't need to be for you to keep what they believed in alive.
no subject
And I'm glad you were able to overcome so much without growing cruel in the process. That's not an easy feat; I've seen too many people fail at it.
[He glances away, relaxing a little more.] ...I just want to be sure you know that you needn't be alone with these things. If there's one thing I can take away from those dark days of the Empire's collapse, it's the knowledge that even when our experiences may not be exactly the same, sharing the burden helps.
no subject
[He knew that by now, but was still caught off guard by that reminder. That he isn't alone anymore. Lorenzo had spent so long drifting and fighting and being nothing more than a spectacle. Half of it was intentional, just following the familiar path. Staying at a distance because he would move at any moment.
Stability is strange. It's frightening, honestly.
But it's not bad. As difficult of a battle breaking his habit was...
Well, he was the "undefeated champion." This was just one round of many. He's having a rough start that might continue. But he'll come out on top.]
Thanks. It means a lot, really.